“Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent.”
Leaving Kuwait was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.
I loved it there.
It may not seem believable to my close minded acquaintances but I truly did love it there. My friends were genuine, I was consistently working out and I was close to every place I’d ever dreamed of traveling too. When I lived in Kuwait, I was traveling so much, no one ever truly knew where I was in the world which I loved.
I knew coming home was going to be hard, but I didn’t think I’d be as unhappy as I was when I got home. The first few weeks were okay because I felt I was on a vacation still but then January came and the vacation was over. I was so unhappy, I wouldn’t do anything. Honestly, I was surprised I even passed my two classes this semester because I was literally so bummed I’d sit around and eat, watch Netflix, and sleep. I wasn’t working out, I wasn’t having fun, and I was in an unhealthy mental and physical state.
I went to Miami in January for a fitness festival and my attempt to ‘have fun’ failed miserably. Once again, all I wanted to do was sleep. I texted my Dad and my boyfriend my last night in Miami and told them how miserable I was in the United States, how I was so unhappy I felt I shouldn’t even be here and I texted them all this while sitting on the roof and under the influence. That’s when I decided to drive six hours back to Jacksonville and stop drinking for awhile.
I stayed in Jacksonville for a few more weeks. I tried getting motivated and visiting Crossfit gyms to see if I could set up some pop-up shops for my company but my interactions with all of the employees/owners were terrible, making me regret even more starting a ”Crossfit” workout clothing company. I would mail my shirts out everyday but I was sure, running a clothing company was just not something I wanted to do. What I really wanted was to get back to Kuwait so I started applying for jobs and looking for someone I could trust to run my company. After a few interviews with gyms in Kuwait, I was starting to get a little more motivated but wasn’t at one-hundred percent yet. I’d started going to a boxing gym in Jacksonville Beach because I felt that was a great way to get rid of my aggression and anger, punching the ”unhappy” out was helping. My mom had just had knee surgery and I felt selfish for being so unhappy but I couldn’t help it. I went to a wedding where I felt out of place because no one there could really relate to how I felt and honestly, I barely knew the people I once considered friends. I stuck with my best friend Ski because he knew the extent to everything I was feeling and we left before the party really got started. Every time someone asked, ”Aren’t you so happy to be home?!” I would cringe. I hated when people asked me that because I was so unhappy to be ‘home’ and I wanted to get back overseas. After the wedding, I moved the rest of my stuff to Oklahoma and this is home for now.
Oklahoma is different. I moved from a big city to a small town. Cole plays college baseball so my schedule revolves around his. I have no friends here, I was still unmotivated to work out or even wake up in the mornings and I still hated Crossfit. I did the same thing every week, I’d watch Netflix, go to Cole’s games on the weekends and sleep. Every day feeling less motivated than before, I stopped trying to make myself feel happy and just sulked around for weeks. After every interview in Kuwait failed and the person I’d chosen to run my company for me failed, I was less motivated than ever. I felt as if every time I’d take a step forward, I’d be pushed ten steps back.
One day about two weeks ago, I woke up and just said “I’m going to be happy again”. I started attempting to fix my company, calling the people creating my website and getting things fixed, broadening my ideas to outside the Crossfit relm, reversing every decision I’d made once I “transferred” my CEO position to someone else, I even interviewed someone to help me run the company. I created a “Wagner Family Fitness Challenge” for the household in an attempt to get everyone more motivated to be healthy and workout. Cole’s parents and I took two road trips to Arkansas to watch him play and I was able to see one of my best friends from Kuwait. Instead of hating Oklahoma, I brainstormed ideas to make it more exciting. I went on two double dates with Cole and together we created a business plan for a ”meal delivery service” in Yukon because there is none. Slowly but surely, I’m getting rid of the unhappiness and emptiness inside me and starting to embrace the changes in my life. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the opportunity to work in Kuwait again but I’m going to try and enjoy my time now.
I’m always preaching in my blogs about living life to the fullest and how life is short. I’ve forgotten that over the last few months. I’ve forgotten how short life is and wasted three months sulking when I could have been productive. However, I believe in order to grow, we need to have times where we feel unhappy and empty. We need to be unhappy sometimes to appreciate everything that’s truly good in life and we can’t learn anything about ourselves if we’re constantly happy or pretending to be. Along with growth, we learn who our true friends are when we need them the most. Who will be there when you’re down, who will work with you and help you get through it and who will pretend to not notice. As I get out of this unhappy funk and gravitate towards the “happy” Tia, I learn who is worth my time, who isn’t and the importance of growth. Until my next post, inshalla.